THERESA HEINZ-KERRY: "The job of a political spouse is to say, 'Hey, idiot . . .'" Ouch.
NEWS IS DEPRESSING, so leave now.
JANE GALT has penned a poem: "My Tivo has died, and I am sad."
SECRET SPY PROGRAM DANGER TO NATIONAL SECURITY, according to some Senators. But they can't tell you what it is: it's a secret, y'know?
NYDN cites the National Enquirer for a story that police found Michael Jackson's fingerprint and a fingerprint from the boy accusing him of sex abuse on the "same page" of a porno mag seized from the pop star's home. If true, Jacko's lawyers will probably argue: (1) so Jacko and the kid both read Barely Legal magazine -- it doesn't prove they read it together; and (2) Barely Legal may be a little creepy, but it's not gay porn, yer honor!
ALEXANDER THE TERRIBLE UPDATE: Maybe more people would go see it if this scene had been included. Maybe Ollie Stone is saving it for the DVD.
DAZED AND CONFUSED: Wooderson, Slater and Pink are suing filmmaker Richard Linklater because they're sick of people thinking they're stoners.
STARBUCKS: selling hundreds of thousands of Ray Charles CDs.
TARA REID - LINDSAY LOHAN CATFIGHT, with a faked orgasm. But only in print. Lohan's mother, however, is a different story.
MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY have a Kathie Lee Gifford problem?
PICTURES OF ELVIS hold up anthrax cleanup in Florida.
INDIE LABELS OF THE WORLD UNITE: TVT, Artemis, Spinart, Lookout and more form trade group to try to boost payments from online services like Apple's iTunes.
GORILLAS hold a wake for their alpha female.
ADULT SUPERSTORES: Proof that size matters?
IF IT'S THURSDAY, IT MUST BE THE O.C.: The show which brings out the best at Low Culture -- here and here and here, for example.
FAHRENHEIT 9/11: Its online video-on-demand premiere netted 89 viewers. Ouch.
WHAT IS HIP? Rock critic and author John Leland thought he knew where the word came from; Slate debunks the story.
HOT LAPTOPS may reduce male fertility.
END OF THE WORLD UPDATE: The locusts reach Mexico.
PIXAR'S CARS TROUBLE? The release of the movie teased before The Incredibles is pushed from November 2005 to June 2006, prompting rumors of problems with the script. "Audiences were somewhat underwhelmed by the Cars trailer, which was released in theaters and online last month, further fueling fears of a Pixar bomb." Sadly, I was underwhelmed myself. But if anyone can work it out it's Pixar, which had similar rumors floated around Finding Nemo.
INTELL REFORM: There was much sound and fury leading to the passage of the intelligence reform law. "But some experts say it is not at all evident how, or even if, the changes will help America's spies obtain secrets and help analysts determine the intentions of terrorists or worrisome nations developing weapons of mass destruction." How about the creation of a National Intelligence Director? Will that help stop terrorists and WMD proliferation? "On that question, even some supporters of the overhaul acknowledge their own skepticism. Apparently, Congress wanted to pass (and the President wanted to sign) something, if only to avoid the political fallout from another terror attack had they done nothing.
HOLIDAY STRESS? Have you considered trepanation?