THE WEEKEND STARTS HERE:

...with THE BEAT FARMERS!  This more sober than usual, professionally-shot, early BF gig was recorded at Universal Studios, including "There She Goes Again" (VU); "Road to Ruin," "Bigger Fool," "Reason to Believe" (Springsteen), "Powderfinger" (N. Young), "Happy Boy," "Big Ugly Wheels," "Bigger Stones," "Gun Sale at the Church," "Dallas Blues," "I Wanna Be Free," "Lakeside Trailer Park," "Death Train," and "Seven Year Itch."  If you're new to the band, my picks would be "Bigger Stones," "Happy Boy" and the cover of your choice.  SUPER-SPECIAL BONUS:  Now how much would you pay?  But wait... there's more!  If you really want to see someone put the "bar" in "bar band," watch these NSFW clips from Houston, TX of the late Country Dick Montana leading the band through "Lucille" (K. Rogers) -- complete with his favorite beer bottle stunts -- followed by "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Wino," "Are You Drinkin' With Me, Jesus?" and "Mondo."

ART BRUT gave Spinner five unmastered tracks from the band's sophomore LP, It's a Bit Complicated.

FOUNTAINS of WAYNE:  Adam Schlessinger talks to UGO about writing and recording the new album, Traffic & Weather, for which the early reviews have been... uh, mixed.  (Thanks, Chromewaves -- even when painful.)

RICHARD BARONE:  The ex-Bongo's Cool Blue Halo is this week's "Shadow Classic" at NPR, including streams of his version of "Numbers With Wings" and Bowie's "The Man Who Sold The World."

OF MONTREAL:  Kevin Barnes talks to the Gainsville Sun about getting bigger and more theatrical.  Bryan Poole calls into the Miami New Times from Detroit to say that crowds are digging their cowbell.

FORGIVE ME, IT'S FRIDAY:  It was (and is) a little bit frightening.

MIKE WATT:  Exclaim! has a timeline of the life and career of the Minutemen bassist and indie icon.

JOE BOYD compares producing tours and records to being "the guy with the broom in curling." 

GEDDY LEE of Rush talks fantasy baseball with ESPN, which should have me covered with both Craig O'Neill and Sylvia Hauser.

BONO has been named an honorary knight of the British Empire -- but don't call him "Sir," as he's not a Brit.

THE CUTOUT BIN:  This Friday's fortuitous finds on the ol' HM include: Art Brut -  Formed A Band; The Jesus & Mary Chain - April Skies; Teenage Fanclub - Take The Skinheads Bowling (live CVB cover); Kaiser Chiefs - Saturday Night (not the BCR); Hoodoo Gurus - Leilani, Pt. II; U2 -Out of Contol; That Petrol Emotion - Can't Stop; Seu Jorge - Rebel Rebel; Indigo Girls - Midnight Train to Georgia (live); Mama Cass Elliot - I Think It's Going to Rain Today; Eleni Mandell - You're All Bad (And That's Why You've Been Invited); The Grass Roots - Midnight Confession; Black Lips - Buried Alive; Super Furry Animals - Rings Around the World; Fountains of Wayne -  New Routine; Flaming Lips - She Don't Use Jelly; Beastie Boys - Sabotage; and The B-52s - Rock Lobster.

HALLE BERRY admits that she tried to gas herself when her fiery union to Atlanta Braves baseball star David Justice collapsed, but pulled out at the last minute.

NOW SHOWING:  This weekend's wide releases are: the futuristic Disney 3-D animation Meet The Robinsons, currently scoring 69 percent on the Tomatometer; the Will Ferrell ice capade Blades of Glory, which is scoring 64 percent (75 percent among the "cream of the crop" critics); and (semi-wide) the heist pic The Lookout, which is scoring 83 percent.

BRITNEY SPEARS & FED-EX settle all family business, without Moe Green taking one in the eye..

BORAT:  Sacha Baron Cohen and his Australian fiancée Isla Fisher are reportedly set to become first-time parents after blurting out the exciting news at a Los Angeles bar.  Actually, I'm pretty sure that if they are going to be parents, it was after something else, but people found out about it at the bar.

JACKO has been hospitalized in Las Vegas with pneumonia, sources tell FOXNews.com's 411 column.  I link, you decide.

CHRIS ROCK may be taking a DNA test, according to the ever-reliable National Enquirer.  If so, maybe we'll start hearing those rumors of marital woes again.

JESSICA BIEL:  I don't know whether I Now Pronounce You Chck & Larry will be funny, but it does have Jessica Biel in various states of undress, which is something.  Egotastic has Hi-Def screen caps and video.

TV'S BIGGEST MONEYMAKERS, according to Forbes magazine.  The list has some surprises.  For example, the season's smash hit, Heroes, is still a fairly cheap ad buy.

COURTNEY LOVE:  US Weekly has a flattering bikini pic,  but other angles show shows off her terrible lipsuction.

ANNA NICOLE SMITH IS STILL DEAD and lawyer-companion Howard K. Smith is still trying to drag out the DNA testing of the late model's infant daughter.

MARY-KATE & ASHLEY OLSEN, recognizing how much of their empire rests on their twindom, are reportedly getting matching nose jobs.  And possibly not for the first time.  Pics at the link.

IRAQ:  Al Qaeda stoked sectarian violence in Tal Afar that included off-duty Iraqi police; IraqSlogger noted that the media portrayal of it as "revenge" killing is inaccurate.  The WaPo covers the splintering of Moqtada al-Sadr's Mahdi Army, while IraqSlogger notes the splintering of the Sunni 1920 Revolution Brigades and other splits emerging within groups affiliated with Al Qaeda.  Defense Tech relays a report that Al Qaeda itself recognizes its influence is currently waning in Iraq.  In Baghdad, Al Qaeda pulled off a major suicide attack at a largely Shiite market, the first in about a week.  Terrorists have been shifting to attacks outside the capital.  Just outside Baghdad, the Iraqi Army has entered the militant stronghold of Duwanim, which has been a  theater of open conflict and deadly raids between the Mahdi Army and armed Sunni groups.  In Diyala province, more than 40 people died and 80 were injured in three co-ordinated blasts in the town of Khalis.  US and Iraqi forces have been conducting a major clearing operation in Diyala against al Qaeda in Iraq and its political front, Islamic State of Iraq.  Friday seemed like the day to note that Gen. David Patraeus began forging his leadership skills in Little League.  And that Corporal Kermit has deployed with Company H, 121st Infantry, Georgia Army National Guard.  There's a photo gallery at the last link, or you can go straight to the video.

IRAN:  The BBC sums up the outrage in the British press about the Iranian kidnapping of 15 British sailors and marines.  Tehran reneged on a promise to release hostage Faye Tunney, and in a cynical new propaganda stunt, published a handwritten note perprotedly from Tunney calling for British troops to be withdrawn from Iraq. Austin Bay writes that the Iranian ploy smacks of the regime's desperation over problems foreign and domestic.  The European Union is mulling a general freeze on contact with Iran.  The UN Security Council finally expressed "grave concern" over the matter, though the statement wasn't as tough as Britain had hoped.  The UN "Human Rights Council," otoh, voted to end its examination of Iran, despite deteriorating conditions there.

EASTER is coming soon -- have you picked up your life-sized, anaotmically correct chocolate Jesus yet?  Only 485,460 calories!

TRIXIE, a 12-year-old service pony, may get evicted (along with her owner) from an apartment in White Setllement, TX.  No, I'm not making up that town.  Trixie's not just a seeing-eye pony, either -- she takes Tabitha Darling to work at the local Wal-Mart as well.  Video at the link.

RUH-ROH: Looks like Scooby needed a pacemaker. I blame the Scooby-Snacks!  Pics at the link.

ROBOT SQUIRRELS will soon be intercepting your telephone calls, if the MIT Media lab has anything to say about it.

RARE PARROT SMUGGLER nabbed as she arrived in Russia on a flight from China.

COWS stare unamazed as the Wisconsin Guernsey Breeders Association opens the nominations for Cow of the Year. Did last year's Cow of the Year ever get out of rehab?

THE POLYPHONIC SPREE play "Hanging Around The Day" at the blogger-curated Hot Freaks show during SxSW (via Stereogum).  It really picks up at about the 1:45 mark.  Here's their best-known track, "Light and Day," as a bonus.

WOXY, the reborn internet indie station, has started a blog called The Futurist.

TED LEO gets a lengthy feature in the New York Observer, covering the usual politics but also touching on his love for R&B music.  And that new WOXY blog can hook you up with free MP3s and live video.

THE 50 TOP ONE-HIT WONDERS countdown continues at Stylus.

NELLIE McKAY played the Birchmere music hall in Alexandria, VA, the other night, so you can stream the gig via NPR now, but be warned: "This unedited concert recording contains language that is not suitable for all audiences. Opinions expressed are solely those of the artist."

PAUL WELLER talks to Harp magazine about his career-spanning 4-disc box set, Hit Parade... while chatting upa ladyfriend on another line.

FEIST is premiering her third video "webisode," featuring "The Park," from her upcoming album, The Reminder, due out May 1st.

MAXIMO PARK:  The band's sophomore album comes out next week, but it's streaming in full from NME now.  Registration required, but I haven't noticed any junk e-mail coming from it.

TINA TURNER is coming out of retirement after seven years to be a private dancer for a charity gig in London.

AN AQUARIUM DRUNKARD has a new podcast posted including The Raincoats, The JBs, GbV, The Meters, Of Montreal and much more.  If you want to stream it, it may be easier to use the ol' HM.

SCOTT WEILAND UPDATE:  His wife Mary claims her bipolar disorder is mostly to blame for the couple's bloody fight at the Graciela Hotel in Burbank last weekend.

RYAN ADAMS, in contrast, has just plain gone b-a-n-a-n-a-s.  As if there had been any doubt.

BRADGELINA:  Jolie is taking heat from US Weekly for filp-flopping from her declared stay-at-home motherhood and short-lived wish to keep new son Pax away from the cameras.  US Weekly somehow fails to mention the role Jolie's cozy relationship with its main competitor, People magazine, has to do with this story.  Meanwhile, this week's Life & Style magazine is claiming that Jolie and Pax narrowly escaped a 100-million-dollar kidnap plot.

LINDSAY LOHAN, finally speaking to her estranged, felonious father, is still telling him to stay away form her mother.

TOM-KAT UPDATE:  Cruise may be starring in the planned movie on the man who tried to kill Adolf Hitler -- but the descendants of the would-be assassin are concerned that the movie will be financed by the Church of Scientology and be used to get across its propaganda.

NICOLE KIDMAN is getting another round of pregnancy rumors.

HALLE BERRY, otoh, is looking to become a mother.

JERRY HALL has revealed that she and all four of her children with Sir Mick Jagger suffer from dyslexia.

GRINDHOUSE:  Page Six claims that Rose McGowan had her co-stars warned not to wear red to the movie's premiere because she didn't want her own red dress upstaged... and that it backfired.  And what better reason to link to Egotastic's gallery of premiere pics?

DREW BARRYMORE got it on with ex-Jane magazine editrix Jane Pratt?  Page Six could not get a comment from Barrymore.

SPEAKING OF JANE -- the magazine, that is -- there's a funny gallery of celebrity mugshots and confessions taken at the Sundance Film Festival posted at the mag's website.

THE SOPRANOS have a photo spread in the new Vanity Fair magazine that caused Joe Pantoliano to blow his top.

THE SIMPSONS want to turn 7-Elevens into Kwik-E Marts, even selling KrustyO's cereal, Buzz Cola and iced Squishees.

JENNA FISHER:  Thursday brings us The Office, so it's a good day to note that Pam is the cover girl for the current issue of Wired magazine, which has a piece on how Dunder Mifflin takes on Staples and Office Depot with "radical transparency." (get it?)  Ms. Fischer is also looking good in the new Will Ferrell flick, Blades of Glory, which (iirc) opens Friday.

IRAN:  Britain has released evidence its sailors and marines were 1.7 nautical miles inside Iraqi waters when the Revolutionary Guard naval force intercepted and captured them.  The captives have been paraded on TV, including an apparent forced "confession" from Leading Seaman Faye Tunney, who was dressed in Shiite garb instead of her uniform.  While Prime Minister Tony Blair denounced the Iranian actions as illegal, and British officials fumed over the tape, calling it a violation of the Geneva convention, AP reporter Nassir Karimi -- without citing any source or authority -- states flat out that it does not violate the GC (though I found one defense analyst who agrees). It seems to me that if the British sailors were seized in Iraqi waters (which even the first Iranian coordinates showed to be the case), Iran may well have committed an act of war, or what is now generally called an act of aggression -- and that the only basis for arguing that there is no "armed conflict" under the GC is that the Brits chose not to risk being accused of starting the war by firing on the Iranians.  I would suggest that reading would only encourage the rapid outbreak and escalation of armed conflict, which is not the intent of the GC.  I would also suggest that if the US or UK had seized the Iranian Revolutionary Guards in Iranian waters, the usual suspects would most certainly be loudly accusing them of violating the GC.  But there is almost complete silence on the issue now, because we do not insist that rogue regimes live up to the agreements they sign.

IRAQ:  As you might imagine, the residents of Basra are very concerned over the UK-Iran standoff.  Al Qaeda conducted another chlorine gas suicide bombing, this time directed at the Fallujah government center, in the very heart of the city.  In Baghdad, Prime Minister al-Maliki and Pres. Talabani announced plans to introduce a proposal that would allow thousands more former Baathists to serve in the government, in hopes of advancing sectarian reconciliation.  Ret. Gen. Barry McCaffrey, who has been skeptical of US efforts to date, recently returned from a trip to Iraq, and has written a lengthy analysis that paints a bleak picture, but expressed confidence in Gen. Petraeus, and concluded that "we can still achieve our objective of: a stable Iraq, at peace with its neighbors, not producing weapons of mass destruction, and fully committed to a law-based government."

CHUANG CHUANG the panda has been spending his days in front of a big screen television watching panda pr0n, but it hasn't done anything for him, according to the Chiang Mai Zoo's chief veterinarian.  Video at the link.

BRUNO was the first brown bear to have been spotted in Germany for 170 years before being shot by Bavarian hunters.  Rome is demanding the caracass be returned, claiming he is Italian state property, but despite a request from the German government, the Bavarian state environment minister is refusing.

WILD KINGDOM: Simon King, who presents the BBC's Big Cat Diary program, was attacked by a rabid cheetah while filming in Kenya.

PET HOARDING:  After receiving complaints from neighbors, Seattle Animal Shelter staffers found 110 parakeets in a cage in the living room of a one-bedroom apartment.

TRAINED ATTACK SHEEP are guarding the Gloucestershire village of Leighterton.  Time to relink the trailer for Black Sheep.

SHOW YOU HOW TO FAX IN THE MAILROOM, HONEY:  You've seen 'em play in the lobby.   You've seen 'em play in a crowd.  Now see The Arcade Fire in a freight elevator, then in the crowd again in Paris, courtesy of La Blogotheque.  Well shot, as always.  PLUS: The band's next single almost had a funny name.

BOB DYLAN:  The Current participated in the University of Minnesota's big three-day Dylan symposium, I mentioned a while back, so you can stream interviews with rock critics Greil Marcus and Dave Marsh and more via MPR now.

THE TOP 50 ONE-HIT WONDERS countdown continues at Stylus.

RBALLY continues its renewed run, posting gigs from The Jayhawks, and Giant Drag.  You can stream those and more via the ol' HM.

THAT OLD TIME ROCK & ROLL:  The Arizona Republic, in a piece about the "YouTube Generation," notes that: "If you search for footage of your favorite boomer band, you're likely to find that it was uploaded not by someone old enough to have attended the original Woodstock, but by a teenager or young adult too young to buy Neil Young a beer if he ran into him on the street."  London's Guardian reports that record labels are wooing younger listeners with back catalogue downloads. And it should not surprise us that Neil Young has achieved his highest debut on Billboard's album chart since 1995, with his Live at Massey Hall 1971 CD.

WIGS ON STICKS opened for the Scissor Sisters in DC?

NICK LOWE is releasing his first album in six years this June.  YepRoc will be throwing in a bonus disc for pre-orders.  You can stream some pure pop from the Jesus of Cool at HisSpace.

JACK WHITE may play Elvis Presley in an upcoming movie parody of rock biopics like Ray and Walk the Line.

A COUPLE of COVERS:  Stereogum has recently linked Sufjan Stevens covering Joni Mitchell's "Free Man in Paris," and Blitzen Trapper covering Heart's "Crazy On You."

EXPLOSIONS in the SKY:  After I linked to the stream of their DC gig from NPR, the band has been getting a lot of press, which Frank Yang rounds up, along with the sad story of how his EitS concert experience was nearly ruined by an intoxicated buffoon (I sympathize.)  I note that the PopMatters feature Frank linked also has embedded audio and video of the band.

THORA BIRCH beats Jessica Simpson in the creepy dad-manager competition.  Page Six reports that Jack Birch insisted on watching the filming of her sex scenes for The Winter of Frozen Dreams.  His on-set behavior was so creepy that one girl on the crew broke down crying.  BTW, Jack met Thora's mom when they co-starred in Deep Throat.

THE McCARTNEYS:  Dancing With The Stars is still trying to draw viewers by dangling the prospect that Heather Mills might lose her leg doing the mambo.

BRADGELINA:  Although Pax Thien Jolie's biological mother is reportedly a long-time heroin addict and a "bag of trouble," she poses no legal threat to the adoption under Vietnamese law.  I cannot believe the uber-reliable News of the World did not catch that when they broke the story.

BRITNEY SPEARS, who reportedly lost 10 lbs. in rehab, is rumored to be wrecking the Motown classic, "You're All I Need To Get By," with ex-bf Justin Timberlake.  And a church security guard pulled a gun on a photographer trying to snap the pop tart; pics at the link.

STEVIE NICKS gives advice to Britney Spears and talks about what it was like to be under the influence of Klonopin, the same powerful tranquilizer found in Anna Nicole Smith's corpse.  Video at the link.

MARILYN MANSON & DITA VON TEESE BREAK-UPDATE:  While burlesque dancer Von Teese is not ready to date yet, Manson is saying his new material is "clearly written to seduce somebody" who offered to let Manson stab her, likely his reputed new squeeze, 19-year-old Evan Rachel Wood.

WYNONNA JUDD filed for divorce Tuesday from her estranged husband, less than a week after his arrest in Texas on sex charges involving a minor.  Judd cited irreconcilable differences as a reason for divorce.  You think?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON:  Having linked to her Vogue photospread yesterday, the mag has now posted the feature online, in which she talks about her upcoming CD of Tom Waits songs, among other things.

JACKO:  Run for your lives, Vegas -- it's The Attack of the 50-Foot Jacko!

EDDIE GRIFFIN:  The Undercover Brother crashed an ultra-rare and, as it turns out, ultra-expensive Ferrari Enzo at the Irwindale Speedway in preparation for a Race for a Cause charity run sponsored by his new movie, Redline.  Let's go to the video.  A review of the video leads TMZ to suspect that it was a pure PR stunt.

PETRA NEMCOVA is officially back on the market, as cringe-inducing singer songwriter James Blunt was again spotted flirting with Lindsay Lohan.  Of course, Lohan also looked chummy with Robbie Williams at the same party, even tough Williams reportedly went back to his partying ways after leaving rehab early, and may be sued by the clinic after he called it "worse than a concentration camp."

IRAN:  Britain hopes that diplomacy will win the release of 15 sailors and marines detained by Iran but is prepared to move to a "different phase" if not, Prime Minister Tony Blair said Tuesday.  Iran condemned the comments as as "provocative," even as Tehran's hardliners called for the sailors to be put on trial for an alleged "illegal" crossing of the Iran-Iraq border and Iranian students staged a mock trial, complete with chants of "Death to America" and "Death to Britain."  Although the AP did an entire story on the "murky" border at issue, the master of the merchant ship boarded by the Brits says the Royal Navy team were clearly in Iraqi waters when they were apprehended by the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.  Iraq backs that claim, and French Pres. Chirac said Britain had the "complete solidarity" of all EU leaders over the sailors: "It seems clear they were not in the Iranian zone at the time."  OTOH, Rosie O' Donnell says the Brits were in Iranian waters and it's the Gulf of Tonkin all over again.

IRAQ:  ITM's Omar Fadhil reports that the new security op in Baghdad continues to gain more support among Iraq's political parties, including some that feared it would not be impartial.  Insurgent leaders and Sunni Arab politicians say divisions between insurgent groups and al Qaeda in Iraq have widened and have led to combat in some areas of the country; Counter-terror expert Dave Kilcullen has analysis.  Coincidentally, a suspected AQ bomb attack killed a military leader of one of Iraq's biggest Sunni Arab insurgent groups, the 1920 Revolution Brigades, which is believed to have given its tacit backing to Sunni Arab tribes who have formed the alliance against al Qaeda.  Outgoing US Amb. Khalilzad said talks between US and Iraqi officials and people representing insurgent groups have shifted from "unreasonable demands" by the groups for a US withdrawal to forming an alliance against al-Qaeda.  In Washington DC, however, the Senate narrowly signaled support Tuesday for the withdrawal of US combat troops from Iraq by next March, triggering an instant veto threat from the White House in a deepening dispute between Congress and commander in chief.

A MONSTER CANE TOAD has been captured by an environmental group that wants to kill it.  Video at the link.  Right now, that toad is wishing he was a cute polar bear cub.

KNUT UPDATE:  The Berlin Zoo denied media allegations that Knut the celebrity polar bear cub was responsible for the sudden demise of a 22-year-old panda who was found dead in her cage.

MAN'S BEST FRIEND:  Coco the Poodle saved a mother and her five children just before a pre-dawn fire spread through their house in Hallandale Beach, FL on Monday.  Even better, Toby the Golden Retriever, saw his owner choking on a piece of fruit and saved her by jumping up and down on the woman's chest!

SUICIDE SQUIRREL took down the grid in Corvallis, OR, on Monday.

GOATS suffered a loss in court when criminal charges were dropped against a NY man charged last fall with animal cruelty and burglary for breaking into a barn and spray-painting the genitals of three goats.  The answer to your question is "Orange."

ELTON JOHN TURNED 60 on Sunday, and I overlooked it.  Granted, Reg Dwight is hardly the hippest thing on today's musical horizon.  Nevertheless, he and Bernie Taupin wrote some fine songs in the early 70s, including "Tiny Dancer" (solo on TotP) and "Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters."  And in the mid-70s, he was a pop colossus, with a string of smashes including -- but not limited to -- "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road," "Bennie and The Jets" (here with Cher), "The B*tch Is Back" (shocking to hear on AM radio at the time), "Someone Saved My Life Tonight," "Philadelphia Freedom" (pimped out on Soul Train), culminating in the great and terrible "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart" (with Kiki Dee) -- and the live version at Wembley Stadium is only slightly less scary.  John Lennon's last live performance paid off a bet with Elton John, which you can hear on the Tube.  Even Pate occasionally took a run at "Funeral For A Friend / Love Lies Bleeding."  So happy birthday, Sir Elton.  The BBC celebrated with 60 Elton John Facts -- you can see number 60 on the Tube.

NEW RELEASES:  The Kaiser Chiefs, The Klaxons, Grant Lee Phillips, The Fall and more are streaming in full this week from Spinner.  Most of those, plus Alison Krause, are streaming from AOL proper.

DAVID BYRNE whipped out his beloved PowerPoint at SxSW to argue that major labels must ramp up marketing services to use music as a loss leader for tours and merchandise revenue, or aim only for international stars of the ilk of Britney Spears.  It's that Internet thingy, you see...

THE NATIONAL: Chromewaves and Gorilla vs. Bear both have an advance track from The Boxer, titled "Fake Empire."  Frank also has behind-the-scenes video, while GvsB has a teaser video of "Slow Show."

THE NEW PORNOGRAPHERS frontman A.C. Newman tells Billboard the band is branching out musically on their next LP, due in August.

TWOFER TUESDAY:  Ladies and Gentlemen, the Rolling Stones perform "Ruby Tuesday" on The Ed Sullivan Show.  Plus, a live clip of the lesser-known "Dead Flowers."

PETE TOWNSHEND does not like The Police getting the "classic rock" title: "You know, you've got the Stones and The Who. Classic rock -- finished. It's all over after that... this is just music. It's not classic anything."

FOUNTAINS of WAYNE make "Song of the Day" at NPR with "I-95" from the upcoming album, Traffic and Weather.

THE 50 BEST ONE-HIT WONDERS:  Stylus is rolling out a week-long countdown that hopes to focus on the "wonder" as much as the "one-hit."

SCOTT WEILAND:  The Velvet Revolver frontman and his wife trashed a Burbank hotel room during a rockstar-caliber rampage last weekend; the hotel is pressing charges.  His wife had already been arrested last weekend after cops say she torched the rocker's $10,000 wardrobe in front of the couple's home in Toluca Lake, Ca.

ANNA NICOLE SMITH IS STILL DEAD, officially of an accidental overdose with no other criminal evidence present.  Howard K. Stern, through his attorney, was trumpeting his legal innocense, but avoiding his behavior on the day of Smith's death.  When asked if any of Anna's doctors should be held accountable, Dr. Joshua Perper said that medical examiners "do not enter into evaluation of medical care" when they seek to determine the cause of death.  The autopsy report bizarrely reveals that Smith's "anus is unremarkable."  Of course, this story is not over; the inquest into the death of her so Daniel starts today.

LINDSAY LOHAN is being linked with cringe-inducing singer-songwriter James Blunt, so I'll be snagging Petra Nemcova on the rebound.

BRITNEY SPEARS nearly caused a riot, just by turning up at the Millennium dance studio.  Pics at the link.

BRADGELINA:  The uber-reliable News of the World claims that the birth mother of newly-adopted is a money-hungry heroin addict who never signed the papers to give up her son and is likely to hound Jolie and Pitt for cash.  I'm thinking the orphanage and Jolie's people checked the paperwork.

SIENNA MILLER was snapped groping another woman's boob.  London's Sun has put out an APB for the woman.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON plans to have plastic surgery someday in a bid to avoid becoming an "old hag."  That is not a good message to send to others, but I have to repect the sheer political incorrectness of it.  If her latest spread for Vogue magazine is any indicator, it's not something she needs to be thinking about now.

HALLE BERRY wants you to feel bad about yourself.  Why else would she brag about still fitting into the Mickey Mouse jeans she bought when she was 15.

BRUCE WILLIS was caught canoodling with Courtney Love during Amy Winehouse's gig at the Roxy.  Did you just say "Ew?"  I think I heard you say "Ew!"

MARCIA, MARCIA MARCIA!  Mom said never to do blow in the house!

THE BELLES of ST. TRINIAN'S are returning to the big screen with a cast inlcuding Rupert Everett, Stephen Fry and Colin Firth.  If you have not seen the original British comedy classic, you may want to queue it up.

SUPPORTING THE TROOPS?  I think most people -- including those who oppose the US being in Iraq -- don't wish the troops harm.  These folks in Portland, burning a soldier in effigy do wish the troops harm, if their violent and profanity-laden chanting is any indication.  The Portland Tribune adds that knocking a police officer off his bike and defecating on a burning US flag probably doesn't win friends or influence people.

IRAQ:  US forces captured the leaders of a car-bombing ring believed responsible for the deaths of hundreds of Iraqis in the Shiite Sadr City enclave and elsewhere in Baghdad.  ITM's Omar Fadhil relays local TV reports on the capture of a senior aide to Abu Omar al-Baghdadi (the leader of al-Qaeda's so-called Islamic State in Iraq).  As a member of the Tawafuq Front cast serious doubts on the efforts of ex-Prime Minister Allawi to bring down the ruling coalition in the parliament, reports emerged of fresh efforts to build an opposition coalition, without Allawi's participation.  In Ramadi, Iraqi Lt. Col. Ahmed Shaker Al Alwani swaggers around with ax in hand and gun at the hip. His nickname? "Man With The Ax."

IRAQ in the MEDIA:  You would think this story in the Times of London about a sectarian murder of children would be bad enough without taking on a bunch of misleading statistics.  The Times reports that Infant mortality rose from 40 per 1,000 in 1990 to 102 in 2005, without noting that infant mortality was higher before the US invasion.  The Times asserts that one in eight die before their fifth birthday, without noting that child mortality has dropped over 60 percent since the invasion.  The Times also claims that 25% of Iraqi children under five years old is chronically malnourished, without noting that this controversial report was disputed and that other data shows malnutrition declining.  The times further asserted that access to education is an increasing problem, when in fact, enrollment in Iraqi schools has risen every year since the invasion, according to Iraqi government figures, reversing more than a decade of declines.  BONUS:  The farewell press conference of Amb. Zalmay Khalilzad gets negative spin in the NYT, positive spin in the AP.

WHEEZER the CHIHUAHUA was briefly a Moose, according to his owner, Mike Ehorn of DeKalb, IL.

DON'T TOUCH MY MONKEY!   A Plano, TX  resident allegedly sent his male monkey a sexually explicit audio tape after it was confiscated by animal services on Feb. 21st as part of a pet hoarding bust.  The man denies this, and it seems like the police are backpedaling.

ORANGUTANS could be virtually extinct within five years, due to a huge expansion of oil palm plantations, which are racing to meet soaring demand from Western food manufacturers and the European Union's zeal for biofuels.  Will King Louie be the last King of the Swingers?

SUICIDE SQUIRREL strikes in Fort Wayne, IN.

MICE are stealing your Fritos, the cash from your ATM, and your dentures.

THE HOODOO GURUS were in my city last night.  Here's my review -- 13 years after their last US tour, they still got it!  David Faulkner's hair was the only thing missing.  It was one of the best Gurus shows I ever saw, which is as good a reason as any to start the week off with vintage live clips of "Like Wow, Wipeout!", "In the Wild" and "Middle of the Land."  Sorry, no live clip of "I Want You Back," which was their thundering set opener Sunday night.  The band ranged over their entire catalog, including "Miss Freelove '69" and "The Right Time."  The opening act was The Goldstars, which is made up of former members of The Service and The Slugs -- two bands familiar to Pate fans.  Saw Gary "Elvis" Schepers on my way out; he was looking much lighter than his old self, but it was good to see him out and about.

CORIN TUCKER, of the late Sleater-Kinney, broke out new songs and choice covers, including Prince's "When U Were Mine", Dusty Springfield's "Son of a Preacher Man", and the Replacements' "Can't Hardly Wait" at a recent benefit gig, raising hopes of a solo album.  Pitchfork will also link you to a video interview she did for the upcoming documentary Rock'n Roll Mamas, which is about exactly what you would think.

THE NORTH MISSISSIPPI ALL-STARS, who incorporate the rich blues tradition of the area from legends like R.L. Burnside and Junior Kimbrough into their rock, played the World Cafe on Friday, so you can stream the gig via NPR now.

THE WATERBOYS frontman Mike Scott writes for London's Guardian about his experience with the Wikipedia,

SON VOLT got an audio review of The Search on NPR's All Things Considered, which includes a little background on frontman Jay Farrar.

BOLLYWOOD BEATLES:  A video to lift your spirits on a Monday Morning... or anytime, really.

DR. DOG co-founder, guitarist and singer Scott McMicken explains to JamBase why The Beatles are underrated.  You can introduce yourself to Dr. Dog's own brand of pop by streaming audio and videos via TheirSpace.

PHIL SPECTOR:  During the break between jury selection and the start of his murder trial, you may want to read the transcript of his tape-recorded statement via The Smoking Gun.  As someone who has read plenty of these, I can tell you that more people should exercise their right to remain silent.  For example, in this case, a jury is not going to like it when Spector refers to the late Lana Clarkson as a "piece of sh*t."

NEKO CASE recently was the guest DJ at the World Cafe, so you can hear her interesting introduction of a gospel song.

SxSW REDUX:  Largehearted Boy has compiled links to downloads and streams of sets from the big Austin music fest.  Some of the downloads, including Land of Talk, The Rosebuds, Bondo de Role and yes, The Pipettes can be streamed via the ol' HM, also.  PLUS:  Garagey blues-rockers The Black Lips talk to the Boston Globe about their SxSW experience.

MAD MEL UPDATE:  While speaking at Cal State University Northridge, Mel Gibson dropped the F-bomb on an expert on Mayan culture who accussed him of racially stereotyping the Mayans in the movie Apocalypto.  He's not apologizing for this one, either.

WEEKEND BOX OFFICE:  It was a good weekend at the movies, which took in $120 million (as opposed to $90 million a year ago).  The weekend was improbably won by Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which took in over million.  That's less than the original live-action version (after adjusting for inflation), but the Turtles were much bigger with kids then.  300 placed with $20.5 million on a reasonable 37.6% drop.  Shooter debuted in third place with $14,5 million, which is not great, but not bad, given the competition.  Wild Hogs continues to show legs with another $14.3 million on a mere 24.6% drop.  The Last Mimzy debuted in fifth with a $10.2 million take, followed by Premonition's $10.1 million.  The remaining new releases, The Hills Have Eyes 2, Reign O'er Me, and Pride, which brought in $10 million, $8 million and $4 million, respectively.  Dead Silence rounds out the Top Ten.

THE McCARTNEYS:  Sir Paul was spotted getting cozy with drinks heiress Sabrina Guinness, whose previous dates over the years have included Mick Jagger, David Bowie, Bryan Ferry, Jack Nicholson, Michael Douglas and Rod Stewart.

ANNA NICOLE SMITH IS STILL DEAD, and the cause of death is to be officially announced today, but the tabloids are already reporting that she died of a lethal level of a potent sleep medication, but also had a raging blood infection that could have killed her had she not overdosed.  Meanwhile, the late model's diaries have sold at auction for over half a million dollars.

BRITNEY SPEARS was rushed to the hospital last night... for some emergency dentistry.

JOHNNY DEPP is set to resume filming Sweeney Todd today, now that seven-year-old daughter Lily-Rose is recovering from E.coli food poisoning, not a blood infection as previously reported.

BRADGELINA:  Jolie's brother, James Haven Voight, is responding to criticism of Angelina by blaming the bullying and manipulation of their father, Jon Voight, for blighting both their lives and driving his sister to create a huge and independent family.  Yeah, that's him French-kissing his sister.

DENISE RICHARDS & PAM ANDERSON are being sued by paparazzi over that incident where Richards threw their laptop computers over a hotel balcony, allegedly striking "an elderly woman in a wheelchair."

LEO DiCAPRIO and KATE WINSLET are reuniting this summer to film Revolutionary Road, a movie which will be directed by Winslet's husband, British filmmaker Sam Mendes after he finishes a documentary on Rufus Wainwright.  Winslet and Mendes are reportedly moving to the US because of the intrusive British paparazzi.  There are plenty of intrusive photogs in the US also, but maybe they figure those are all busy following the Jolie-Pitts, Tom-Kat and Britney Spears.

DAVID HASSELHOFF is hoping to stage a musical in Vegas:  "I'm leaning toward doing the hottest heterosexual show you've ever seen."

NICOLE RICHIE has recently been diagnosed with hypoglycemia, perhaps while she was at the trout pout shop.

GRINDHOUSE:  As expected, the upcoming Quentin Tarantino-Robert Rodriguez "double-feature" will escape an NC-17 rating by trimming a few of the more outrageous scenes.  It was screened this past weekend.  Hollywood Elsewhere just liked QT's half.  At Aint-It-Cool-News, C.J. Hollywood and the inimitable Neil Cumpston loved, loved, loved it (and it would have been guranteed awful had they not).  Time to watch the new trailer again.

CALVIN & HOBBES is rumored to be coming to the big screen, possibly with voices from Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson.  Which as good a reason as any to link to the C&H searchable database, which brings up strips by keyword.

ISLAMISM in the TWIN CITIES:  At OpinionJournal, Minneapolis Star Tribune columnist Katherine Kersten writes about national Muslim organizations trying to pressure Minnsota Muslims into advancing an agenda that has nothing to do with Islam.

IRAQ and IRAN:  Time magazine has a progress report on the "surge."  The US military now says there's been a "dramatic" decrease in the use of the powerful roadside bombs known as EPPs.  Army Lt. Col. Christopher Garver says the reasons for the marked drop in EFP incidents could include the detention of three Iranians in Baghdad in December.  Actually, there is now an unconfirmed report that US forces now hold some 300 prisoners tied to Iran's intelligence agencies,   Coincidentally, Iran has seized 15 British sailors and may charge them with espionage, as Al-Sharq al-Awsat, a Saudi-owned newspaper based in London, quoted an Iranian military source as saying that the aim was to trade the Royal Marines and sailors for the Iranian Revolutionary Guards detained in Iraq.

KNUT UPDATE:  The cute polar bear cub who survived calls from animal rights activists for his death made his public debut at the Berlin Zoo, and seems set to become a political tool of climate change activists.  Here's your awww...some photos and video.

VICIOUS RATS IN CARS are attacking pedestrians Johannesburg, South Africa.  Fortunately, they have not learned how to drive... yet.

COWS stare unamazed as German scientists invent a pill to cut bovine burping, which may cut greenhouse gas emissions by four percent.

PET HOARDING:  A Santa Cruz couple and their children shared a motel room with 20 domestic birds, a cat and a rabbit. There was one dead bird in a cage and three others stuffed in the freezer.

HUMAN-SHEEP CHIMERA is revealed at the University of Nevada, which is a good excuse to re-link to the trailer for Black Sheep.